All Things Mostly Physical

Five Simple Ways To Get Return Yoga Students


“Leave them wanting more. Most yoga classes are taught to create a sense of balance in the body. For every forward bend, there is usually a back bend. The student leaves feeling complete. However, you can dramatically increase your student count by only teaching counter-poses in alternating weeks.”

Dr. Atkins To Reincarnate As Cow, Pig, Chicken, Fish


“Right now his soul is in the Bardos, the transitional state between births, this is where terrifying hallucinations from his past impurities will arise,” said Tibetan Buddhist Theorist Chogyam Rinpoche (Ralph Hobart), “He’ll probably start craving a hamburger, or maybe a few slabs of ribs, but believe me he won’t get them. He’ll get to become them.”

My Body is Only Borrowed Energy, A Lot Of It


I’m way into metaphysical things, I eat up all the information I can about the energy fields permeating the fabric of the universe. I also eat up all the food I can, mostly Vienna sausage and ribs.

Being a thinker, I got to marveling at how everything is just borrowed energy from God or from the sun. All physical phenomena are just vibrating particles that have been temporarily rerouted to form objects for a while.

My Spirit Animal Is The Dolphin, Due To My Prehensile Penis


Knowing that the Dolphin is my spirit animal has given me quite a lot of confidence in my daily life. Before, when I thought I was the only one with a prehensile penis, I was admittedly shy about whipping it out at water parks. But now that I feel spiritual support from dolphins, I actually use my penis to keep up my shorts on the faster watersides. My penis also serves as a super handy dorsal fin when I’m doing the backstroke.

Government Sponsors Acupuncture For Trypanophobia, Fear of Needles


“The test subjects generate massive amounts of tension and stress throughout the week, always in negative-anticipation of the next acupuncture session,” Said Private First Class, David Hent, of Boulder Healing Needlery. “What begins as a moderate fear of needles, turns into a full blown hysteria of proportions high enough to trigger cardiac-arrest.” David continued, “Of course this transition was heightened by upwards of 40 puncture wounds.”