News Briefs

Community happenings, news, upcoming events, reviews.

Study Shows Personal Transformation Most Effective After Keg Party, Midnight.

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“I find that most people make the best plans for their well-being during a drunken binge,” said Candice Martin, sociologist, during a Skype interview from her bathtub while nursing a hangover. “During the fragile beginnings of our personal transformation, we all like to reminisce about the small talk, keg-stands and Yeager-bombs we enjoyed while first deciding to better our lives.”

Octo-Kali Ma: ‘Powerfully Unnecessary Symbol’

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“Kali Ma is a Hindu Goddess of energy. She’s extremely revered as a force of time, change, and annihilation,” said Raj Peerzada, Wikipedia surfer. “Nadya Suleman is an American welfare recipient who birthed octuplets in 2009. By conjecture, Octo-Kali Ma is a quick rising symbol of destruction and misappropriation of energy.”

Past Life Recollection Creates Fiscal Nightmare

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“Isaac sat down between customers and got quiet for a minute,” said Check Cashers clerk Chris Hoit. “Then he turned to me and said, ‘Aelius, you thieving bastard, you owe me 800 denarius for that plow blade back in Antium. 248 AD’.”

Chris continued, “I looked at him and said, ‘What are you talking about?’ and he said, ‘Roman Empire. I played your fool. No longer. You’ve got one week before I garnish your wages.’”