IDAHO SPRINGS, ID -Long time anti-government conspiracy theorist Chad Bragg has long been overly concerned about secret government wire-tapping and well-orchestrated efforts to bring down society from “behind the scenes.” But ever since starting a regular regiment of benzodiazepine-based anti-anxiety medication he had found himself less prone to paranoid tantrums, and more prone to spending a quiet night at home with diarrhea.
“I used to sit at home and look out the window maybe 15 times per hour, right between the blinds,” admitted Chad, “I wore a Che Guevara shirt and was convinced there were secret agents in a box van down the street. I was wound up about homeland security, but now I pretty just crap myself all the time.”
“Being okay with crapping myself and loving my government both come easy now thanks to my high doses of Xanax, anti-anxiety mediation.”
Politics like a newborn baby in a diaper
In addition to slowing down his brain activity and thereby lessening Chad’s anxiety, Xanax has also given him nausea and stomach upset. For the first time in his adult life he feels the urge to take part in constructive politics rather than distrust the foundation of the government. However, due to his runny discharge and gaseous spurts, he has yet to actually leave his house, and has hardly left the bathroom.
“If anyone has ever had a panic attack, they know about the all-encompassing gripping fear that practically paralyzes the victim,” said Chad as he experienced another side effect of Xanax and forgot what he just said. “Whatever I was saying, I just, oh, I was paralyzed with fear but now I feel like a trusting newborn baby, but one with cramps that usually precede an episode on the toilet.”
Chad Bragg first noticed that he had a problem with social anxiety when he missed out on a conspiracy theorist convention because he was too afraid to leave his house.
“The convention was right there, only a few blocks down the street from his place,” said former friend, whose name must remain anonymous or the government will put him on an F.B.I. list, “and he didn’t even want to give his opinion about the way the U.S. government protected the Bin Laden family on September 12th.”
The anonymous acquaintance continued, “He started a blog about conspiracy theorists actually conspiring to aid the government in their subtle take-over, so we had an intervention. Which I suppose from his point of view looked like a conspiracy.”
A transformed bowel activist
Months after the intervention, the benzodiazepine in Xanax has subtly taken over Chad Bragg. He is a changed man, a potentially productive member of society instead of a self-imposed outcast. In his lovable trusting new ways, even with his new puppy dog eyes, Chad is consumed with an over-sedated emotional numbness that he hides behind rote patriotism.
“If it weren’t for my diarrhea. I’d be out there cleaning up the image of the Patriot Act,” said Chad in parting, “And even this wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t also suffer from drowsiness, slurred speech, confusion, blurred vision, and depression. I love my country!”
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