Monsanto Joins Facebook Farmville, Devastates Neighbors

monsantofarmville

Monsanto’s Farmville land, surrounded by toxic dumping grounds.

DISSASSOCIATED PRESS – In an effort to bridge a societal gap and improve its public image, Monsanto, a multinational agricultural biotechnology corporation, created a Farmville Account on Facebook. However, once the virtual farm was up and running, Monsanto repeated its lifelong habit of patent lawsuits, bribes, market dominance, ethical negligence, false advertising and environmental devastation.

“Farmville used to be a feel good game. Everyone won. All of a sudden Monsanto turns it into a  game of Risk,” said Hal Cromwell, online farmer,” I used to have  Farmville land that was about four neighbors away from Monsanto’s plot. I wasn’t even direct Facebook friends with Monsanto and they accused me of using virtual seeds containing their patented html modified genes.”

Social networking and bankrupting

 

Farmville, an online social networking farm simulation game, with over 63 million users, allows players to customize their own farms, plant crops, trees and raise livestock. These are sold for virtual “coins” that are reinvested in the development of the estate. Monsanto, on the other hand, has a history of customizing the genetic composition of actual plant crops, trees and livestock. These are sold for actual coins. In doing so, Monsanto poisons the land and bankrupts off-line farmers.

“I can understand that Monsanto wanted to be kind of ‘hip’ and do some social repair work. Facebook seemed like a good place to start,” said Cromwell, “but then they implemented some legislative coding which held my Farmville bank account in escrow until I could prove that I didn’t steal their seed technology. Even though I was innocent, all my money was tied up, I couldn’t reinvest in my farm, and I went bankrupt.”

Air born greed

 

In reality, Monsanto has genetically altered seeds so the plants are resistant to everything including Roundup, their special pesticide. Air born pollen from these plants spreads over the countryside and pollinates crops belonging to other farmers. These farmers are then subject to patent infringement lawsuits from Monsanto.

“We at Monsanto never meant to systematically bankrupt our Farmville or actual farmland neighbors,” said Michael Brenner, Monsanto Farmville Executive, “But then we realized that we could create the html and genetic coding of our own seeds and sell them on the Facebook game and also to real, misinformed farmers.”

“How could we not rise up to our potential and maximize dependency upon us by Farmville users?”  Brenner added, “If people lose their on- and offline farms trying to pay for our products, it’s better for the bigger farms whose business we actually prefer.”

Monsanto’s chemical Roundup is liberating the world from the devilish monarch butterfly

Terminal Networking

 

The combination of Monsanto’s cutthroat policies and social networking initially left most Farmville users looking the other way. But when bits of Monsanto seed coding began to appear in the html of their virtual cash crops, Farmvillers became suspicious.

“I read they claim ownership to all pigs containing a certain dominant gene,” said Cromwell. “Next thing you know, all of my pigs are confiscated from my Farmville account.”

In dismay, Hal Cromwell lowered his head, “I was going to sell those pigs for 5,000 Farmville experience points, make it to the 24th level and buy a Dutch windmill.” Instead Hal is going to double up his strawberry crop in hopes to have enough active product before Monsanto puts a freeze on his Farmville assets.

“While still waiting for word on the Farmville pig-gene problem, I noticed many of my crops dying before harvest time, said Cromwell, “It turns out Monsanto’s computer programmers had developed an electronic version of Agent Orange and PCB derivatives, and were pouring it into Farmville’s groundwater and CSS coding.”

“This was just like what they did in South Wales in 1965 and 1972, which still has deathly effects today. Monsanto probably bribed Farmville officials into looking the other way just like they did numerous times in Indonesia in 2005 to avoid inspection of toxic dumps.”

Simulated Disaster

At the time of this interview, Hal Cromwell had to delete his Farmville account, and open a new one under a different profile. He is but one example of thousands of affected simulation farmers.

“I just saw the Fan page news, that 4,500 Farmville users in India have deleted their profiles,” said Cromwell, “which is eerily similar to the way 4,500 farmers in India committed suicide in connection to their indentured servitude to Monsanto for use of their transgenic cotton seed.”

Because of this, Cromwell is considering moving back to the less popular Facebook “Farm Town” to avoid Monsanto.

“If I notice the extinction of my virtual Monarch Butterflies, I will know that it is time for me to make like an Indian Farmville and get out of here.”

Thanks for reading Karma Lampoon satirical comedy blog! Tell your friends!

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5 comments for “Monsanto Joins Facebook Farmville, Devastates Neighbors

  1. HR Mitchell
    September 27, 2010 at 10:55 am

    That’s awfully close to reality, and you know, Monsanto sounds a whole lot like Zynga.

    • September 27, 2010 at 9:39 pm

      I know it! I was going to talk about Zynga in the article too, but thought it might complicate it a bit much. There will be a follow up article however….

  2. September 28, 2010 at 11:42 am

    This is awesome, Monsanto is ruining our futures, we need to encourage people to buy and produce Organic and Dump Monsanto!

  3. Kev Coleman
    December 27, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    Your the first person to mention the PCB dumping in South Wales which is definitely still causing problems.
    Excellently written satire with more truths than the real thing.
    Look forward to the next instalment.

    • December 28, 2010 at 12:23 am

      Thank you Kev! I super appreciate your comment, knowing someone is reading this words. I always say, “When people laugh they listen.” It is time people listen up about the evils of Monsanto! More to follow for sure.

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