Dropped Psychic Connection Ruins Channeled Conversation

Farbstein’s Ouija board, used in a non-traditional manner to conjure feelings of mysticism and not to spell anything.

DISSASSOCIATED PRESS- In an untimely twist of fate, psychic Ethel Farbstein made clairvoyant contact with the dead and also lost this contact at the worst possible moment.

“I hired Ethel to channel my husband Vance, to settle some questions that I’ve had since I lost him in a tragic late-night bird watching accident,” said former housewife Rebecca Cramston, in a post-séance interview. “But right when he was about to dispel rumors that he was unfaithful, Farbstein must have lost her telepathy signal or something.”

“I also wanted to find out why he was bird watching at 1am outside Pam Oliver’s second story window when he fell out of that tree to his death,” added Rebecca, “Maybe he just couldn’t sleep.”

Om on through

 

Ethel Farbstein, certifiable mystic, channeled the spirit of alleged birder Vance Cramston by going into a light trance aided by a CD of water sounds and a Ouija board.  Her client Mrs. Cramston stood by and began asking “Vance” questions as soon as he possessed the body of ghost whisperer Farbstein.

“Honey, is that really you?!” asked Rebecca, “Because if that is you then I need you to tell me that you didn’t cheat on me.” Before “Vance” had an opportunity to respond, his wife continued, “And another thing, I didn’t know you liked bird watching. Why did you suddenly start birding in the middle of the night so close to the open bedroom window of a married woman!”

The Cramston’s at home, in happier days before needing Farbstein as a medium.

For the third time in a row, Vance tried to answer from beyond the grave, but Rebecca once again cut him off, “Everyone’s talking about us, and I hate that you left me in this situation. But I’ll forgive you if you just tell me the truth.” After a moment she sweetly said, “Ok?” but then after another moment barked, “Now!”

Channeler’s code

 

Farbstein, though kind of in a trance, was fully aware of the situation.

“In fact, an unspoken code in the psychic channeling world prevents me from taking payment unless the entity actually speaks. But it seemed like my client wanted me to channel her husband specifically to make him shut-up.”

“Luckily, I was able to kick-start Vance’s speech by saying what I thought he’d want to say,” clarified Ethel, “And I think I even reproduced his voice despite giving it tinges of my New Jersey accent.”

The message from beyond the veil conveyed by Vance had a soothing effect upon his upset wife. “Falling out of that tree was a turning point for me,” said trance Vance, “I’ve always loved you, I was just, um, out looking for some, um, owls and eagles.”

Ethel Farbstein tries to mimic a facial expression she thinks a ghost would make.

The bereaved wife, on the verge of believing, asked one more point-blank question to ease her mind.

“Please tell me that I’ll be with you in heaven, and not that hoar, Pam Oliver.” At this point, Farbstein lost her psychic connection to the metaphysical network.

Rebecca Cramston reacted to the silence by prompting, “Yes or No? Are we still a couple?” Before Ethel could intervene, her client wailed, “Hello? Vance, did you just leave? You cheated on me with that whore!? You did, didn’t you?! Oh my God, I hate you.”

Another turning point

At this point Cramston threw Farbstein an expired coupon for a free séance and quickly left the premises.

Farbstein described the botched channeled conversation as a “turning point” in her psychic career which began as a boring life coach, a victim of a dream analysis scam, an uninspired Yoga Journal front-cover manager, and a destroyer of birthday cakes with ear candles.

Vance Cramston could not be contacted for further statement. Sources believe his soul left the in-between realm and is now either birding in heaven, or philandering in hell.

Thank you for reading Karma Lampoon, satirical comedy blog,

Photo credits: Ouija board/NancyWombat(flickr)
The Cramstons/ scragz/flickr (Jason scragz)
Farbstein/ photo credit sean dreilinger

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