Yoga-Matic Instant Teacher Certification Programs

Diploma_pic

  • Are you a yoga student who has taken at least one class and now wants to be a teacher?
  • Do you dislike thorough learning or have attention deficit disorder, but aren’t content to let that stop you from showing others the path to liberation?
  • Are you frenetically busy but still feel qualified to demonstrate inner stillness?
  • Do you need to be a certified yoga teacher to get on the sub-list at your gym so you don’t have to pay membership fees any longer?
  • Did any of your friends become a Yoga Teacher and now you feel left out?

If you didn’t have time to answer any of these questions but have a credit card, Yoga-Matic Yoga Teacher Training is for you!

Yoga-Matic Teacher Trainings are generated by an electronic yoga-bot, which delivers your instructions via your preferred digital media. If you are more of a people person than the average quickly certified yoga teacher, you may upgrade to the Humanity Plan. The Humanity Plan includes one pre-recorded incoming phone call, a vivid description of a random postural adjustment, and a picture of a human to build rapport.

The steps to becoming a Yoga-Matic Teacher are simple:

  1. Log onto www.fastclout.com/yogateacher
  2. Choose the program that suits your budget and time constraints
  3. Pay
  4. Learn a little bit*
  5. Teach

*Note: Step four is optional, depending on the program

sri dharma

Above: Dharma Mittra. No instant teacher training could ever come within a million miles of imparting what he gained through through patient practice. But our rush jobs can at least certify you!

Select your inner-calling from the below list:

  • The Complete Abbreviated Teachings of Iyengar, Pattabhi Jois and Desikachar: 1-hour intensive certification program. Must complete every minute to qualify. Physical movement recommended but not required. $5,000
  • 1/908th Dharma Mittra Flickr Special: In his famous poster, the amazingly brilliant and humble Dharma Mittra photographed himself performing 908 Yoga Asanas. In our special Mittra-themed program, simply photograph yourself in any one of those poses, upload it to our Flickr account, and you receive your certification. $5,000 + $200 Flickr password conveyance fee.
  • The Zoom-Om – We’re putting the OM back into Zoom! If you can sit down and OM in front of a web cam, you are a teacher! $5,100 plus $400 mysticism fee (OMs are a bit mystic).
  • Instant Messenger of God – Yoga means Union. It unifies the person with God. But in our case, we connect with you via Instant Messenger. Simply keep the IM thread alive long enough to disclose your credit card number and you can teach alongside the certified competitors churned out by YogaWorks’ 4-week teacher training! $5000 + non-refundable self-esteem.
  • Text Santosha: Contentment is being trained while at a red light in your car. Receive all of your instructions via simple text messages. $5000, plus standard text messaging fees. Program requires about 10 texts, depending on your font.
  • T9 Teacher Training: This is an upgrade of Text Santosha. Don’t have time to correspond with your Yoga-bot using plain text messaging? This Android and iPhone application actually completes each word of your important spiritual message. $5000 + $200 mis-auto-completion apology charge.
  • Advance Teacher Training – That’s right! Advance, not advanced teacher training! Simply pay us the $5,000 certification base fee, plus $1000 convenience charge, and we certify you immediately. You can retroactively complete any of the other programs at your convenience, or just say you did!

Thank you for enrolling in Yoga-Matic Teacher Training! Enjoy your new career, and enjoy giving quality hands-on adjustments to your precious new devotees!

photo credit: unertlkm/flickr (diploma) and Ahsup/flickr (Dharma Mittra)

Thanks for subscribing to Karma Lampoon. Tell your hippie friends to do the same!

Share this:
Share this page via Email Share this page via Stumble Upon Share this page via Digg this Share this page via Facebook Share this page via Twitter
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Technorati Tags: , , ,

1 comment for “Yoga-Matic Instant Teacher Certification Programs

  1. January 21, 2011 at 12:41 pm

    this one is too close to the truth 😮

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *