By George Banyon
I am first and foremost an animal rights activist. I do not believe they should be used as food, clothing, product testing or entertainment. I am very firm on that stance. However, I speak for most animal rights activists when I say, “It would be easier to be a complete vegetarian if zucchini wasn’t so often served as a meat substitute.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stood in line at Mexican restaurants planning to buy a vegetarian burrito, taco or tostada. I’m thinking, great – beans, rice and a little…ugh, Zucchini! No thanks. I’m sure I’ve indirectly caused the suffering and death of countless sentient beings merely because the thought of filling up on a spongy, mouthful of salsa-covered zucchini makes me sick.
I know that my dollar is basically a vote to back up what I believe in. And I seriously do not want to support the senseless cruelty to animals. They are conceived, raised and slaughtered in the most inhumane circumstances possible. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemies. Unfortunately, I also wouldn’t want to wish zucchini on them.
Chickens are stacked in cages – often three per foot-wide cage – one atop the next so that their excrement trickles down on top of the chickens below. Feeding tubes are shoved into their beaks, which are then heated and twisted shut so the cartilage pinches the tube in place. The tube force-feeds steroids and antibiotics into the poor chicken so that it matures to an obese, crippled adult in about 3 weeks.
The thought of it just makes me sick! However, I also pretty much can’t stand squash, zucchini, tofu, textured vegetable protein and mushrooms. They all make my stomach wrench with disgust. I mean, who wants to go out, pay good money and sit down to enjoy a meal, only to be served up a tasteless wad of entrée-filler?
Because that’s what it is: quickly digested filler. Except TVP, it is impossible to digest and causes farts. Nobody really likes these foods. Oh, sure, they say they like zucchini, but that is usually only at pot-lucks where they feel sorry for the hippie chef who couldn’t admit to her friends that she’d be eating chicken if she was alone.
I cry myself to sleep sometimes thinking about the beef and dairy cow industry. They are pumped with so many drugs to stimulate milk production, their legs grow calluses and collapse under the weight, and their udders get covered with cancerous tumors. Their young offspring are taken away from them after only 10 minutes, and they bleat for them in sadness for weeks.
But sometimes I prefer to drink dairy milk instead of soymilk, or have steak instead of tofu because 90% of the soybeans on the market are genetically modified. Even the organic soybeans are said to contain so much natural estrogen that vegan dudes all over the world are actually developing high voices and man-boobs. I want no part of that!
Put it this way: I don’t advocate the consumption of flesh. Yet sometimes you want comfort food that isn’t pizza. And unless you only eat greens, whole grains, legumes, tubers or other vegetables that aren’t spongy like zucchini, there really is no choice but to eat meat.
Photo credits: chicken cages/traveling.lunas/flickr and Zucchini dish/daily food/flickr, chicken guy/david_shankbone/flickr
Thank you for subscribing to Karma Lampoon, tell you friends. And yes, in case the satire wasn’t clear enough, I’m against cruelty to animals.