Ethical Treatment of Animals Would Be Easier Without Zucchini


George Banyon, protesting the slaughter policy of chickens for McNuggets, visibly wishing there was more vegetarian comfort food.

By George Banyon

I am first and foremost an animal rights activist. I do not believe they should be used as food, clothing, product testing or entertainment. I am very firm on that stance. However, I speak for most animal rights activists when I say, “It would be easier to be a complete vegetarian if zucchini wasn’t so often served as a meat substitute.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stood in line at Mexican restaurants planning to buy a vegetarian burrito, taco or tostada. I’m thinking, great – beans, rice and a little…ugh, Zucchini! No thanks. I’m sure I’ve indirectly caused the suffering and death of countless sentient beings merely because the thought of filling up on a spongy, mouthful of salsa-covered zucchini makes me sick.


Squishy meals such as the above zucchini heap are directly responsible for the senseless slaughter of countless defenseless animals

I know that my dollar is basically a vote to back up what I believe in. And I seriously do not want to support the senseless cruelty to animals. They are conceived, raised and slaughtered in the most inhumane circumstances possible. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemies. Unfortunately, I also wouldn’t want to wish zucchini on them.

Chickens are stacked in cages – often three per foot-wide cage – one atop the next so that their excrement trickles down on top of the chickens below. Feeding tubes are shoved into their beaks, which are then heated and twisted shut so the cartilage pinches the tube in place. The tube force-feeds steroids and antibiotics into the poor chicken so that it matures to an obese, crippled adult in about 3 weeks.

The thought of it just makes me sick! However, I also pretty much can’t stand squash, zucchini, tofu, textured vegetable protein and mushrooms. They all make my stomach wrench with disgust. I mean, who wants to go out, pay good money and sit down to enjoy a meal, only to be served up a tasteless wad of entrée-filler?

Because that’s what it is: quickly digested filler. Except TVP, it is impossible to digest and causes farts. Nobody really likes these foods. Oh, sure, they say they like zucchini, but that is usually only at pot-lucks where they feel sorry for the hippie chef who couldn’t admit to her friends that she’d be eating chicken if she was alone.


Horrendous conditions are no excuse for zucchini burritos.

I cry myself to sleep sometimes thinking about the beef and dairy cow industry. They are pumped with so many drugs to stimulate milk production, their legs grow calluses and collapse under the weight, and their udders get covered with cancerous tumors. Their young offspring are taken away from them after only 10 minutes, and they bleat for them in sadness for weeks.

But sometimes I prefer to drink dairy milk instead of soymilk, or have steak instead of tofu because 90% of the soybeans on the market are genetically modified. Even the organic soybeans are said to contain so much natural estrogen that vegan dudes all over the world are actually developing high voices and man-boobs. I want no part of that!

Put it this way:  I don’t advocate the consumption of flesh. Yet sometimes you want comfort food that isn’t pizza. And unless you only eat greens, whole grains, legumes, tubers or other vegetables that aren’t spongy like zucchini, there really is no choice but to eat meat.

Photo credits: chicken cages/traveling.lunas/flickr and Zucchini dish/daily food/flickr, chicken guy/david_shankbone/flickr

Thank you for subscribing to Karma Lampoon, tell you friends. And yes, in case the satire wasn’t clear enough, I’m against cruelty to animals.

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2 comments for “Ethical Treatment of Animals Would Be Easier Without Zucchini

  1. December 20, 2010 at 11:03 am

    Yes, animal cruelty negatively impacts one’s mind and spirit. Some efforts–such as the shutdown of a puppy mill–can result in a quick pick up in both spirit and karma. I offer a venue with a full circle–from life as one character knows it, to Hell for her, her family, and her friends, back to life again, but with happier karma. Please consider this new venue for the topic:

    Worthy cause, worthwhile story.
    A Portion of Every Purchase is Donated to the ASPCA .

    Now you can experience the many aspects and workings of a puppy mill almost as if you are standing amidst the cages, listening to the barks. There’s a terrific new and involved piece of fiction on the market entitled “A Cold Breed.” It focuses on the vivid discovery, investigation, and shutdown of a realistic puppy mill. The issue is embedded within a multi-faceted story with an ultimate happy ending. The storyline is fresh; the characters are rich; the gamut of emotions become real. Swing by the author’s site for good information at or stop into the author’s blog at Become a friend on facebook.

    DJ Greer has everything in order. She installs high end, hi-tech security systems using the latest and most sophisticated gadgetry. Her single-employee business is in perpetual high gear. In and out of her troublesome customers’ homes and businesses, she sees a lot of their inner lives. Her clients often have as much to hide as they do to protect.

    When she goes out of her way to make an emergency installation for backcountry Travis Bitter, she finds a repulsive setting like none she could imagine. The man is a horror-show-quality creep, as are his two equally maniacal sons. They run an assembly line of high-profit “breeding stock” and their adorable, but oftentimes sick “product,” otherwise known as a puppy mill. The security expert gathers proof of the illegal operation and shuts it down under the guidance of two separate Societies for the Protection of Cruelty to Animals.

    Unfortunately and contrary to expectations, the raid on the Bitters’ mill isn’t the happy ending everyone planned for. The Bitters enact retribution on DJ. She relies on love interest detective Max Swain to rescue her from their torturous grip.


  2. December 24, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    Thanks Casey! Thank you for sharing this info. I certainly will be checking your blog, and I certainly will be also bringing awareness to the horrible puppy mill situation. Of course, will be doing it in a unique way that brings humor to the horror so the neutral or opposed population will listen as they laugh.

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