Self-Denying Ascetics Adopt Middle-Path With Snuggies

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Maraj Krishna (right) and legally dead unnamed friend enjoy a sham-wow commercial in their Snuggies.

INDIA (Disassociated Press) Since approximately 3,000 BCE, wandering Hindu mystics have sought freedom from reincarnation by performing unthinkable austerities. Since 500 BCE however, Buddhism has been teaching a more balanced approach to the same goal of liberation: The middle path.

Since 2008, these homeless monks have incorporated Buddha’s avoidance of both luxury and asceticism by using America’s Favorite Blanket With Sleeves: The Snuggie.

“I’ve known for awhile that I should probably adopt a more gentle path toward enlightenment, especially in the winter,” said Babaji Gaga, who hadn’t otherwise spoken for a dozen years. “But as a mendicant seeker of God, it always felt too posh for me to own a long sleeve shirt and a blanket. Boy am I glad to relinquish attachment to self-torture through a blanket with sleeves. Thank you Snuggie!”

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Babaji Gaga went from a prayer cave to a man cave. Next stop: Full liberation of the soul. 

Countless others have also released their karmic bondage to a holy appearance by adopting the much less respectable image of someone who would wear a Snuggie.

“Wandering Yogis such as myself are actually a very revered sector of Indian society,” said Raja Das, legally dead for forty years, “And because of this I’ve gotten too used to all the free meals and easy hand-outs. But ever since wearing a Snuggie I’ve had a much harder time being fed and a much easier time feeling like a proper mendicant outcast.”

Maine resident Gary Clegg originally designed the Snuggie prototype in 1998; based on one his mother made him one for his cold college dorm.  It was originally marketed as the “Freedom Blanket”, a term which speaks to nirvana-seeking mystics worldwide.

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Bhagwan Dukka holds his iron prayer rod in the air while taking advantage of the open back slit to comfortably put his leg behind his head.

“We all want freedom,” said Bhagwan Dukka, who has been holding up an iron rod in his left hand for 9 years, “Freedom from suffering, freedom from the body, and freedom to use my other hand to work the remote, use the laptop or do some reading in total warmth and comfort.”

Not all liberation-minded extremists were willing to adopt the cozy synthetic middle-path garment. Some felt that the Snuggie itself is fine, but that it can lead to other dangers for the soul. Maraj Krishna, for example, offered the following observation between self-flagellations.

“I used to be a wandering monk, but ever since I got the Snuggie, I find myself wandering onto welcoming couches! Next thing you know I’m hoping for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or if all else fails the ever-present Spongebob Squarepants.”

But even Maraj had something positive to say about the surprising pop-culture phenomenon, “I do have to admit though, when I had to do my Mantra in a blanket, it would slip and slide and confine my hands, the Snuggie is better because it offers easier access to my Mala prayer beads.”

Photo credit: sadhus/Macsurak/flickr and Snuggies/chimothy27 and djprybyl/flickr and Affiliate/flickr

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