Monsanto To Induct New CFO, Vice-President During Black Mass For The Dark Lord


DISSASSOCIATED PRESS . ST.LOUIS, Missouri – During a midnight ceremony on Dec 31, Pierre Courduroux, 45, will dedicate his soul to the Dark Lord of Death and be appointed as Monsanto’s new Chief Financial Officer and Senior Vice-President.

A native of France, Courduroux has been with Monsanto for the past 20 years in various leadership positions, working tirelessly alongside a host of demons to destroy all that is good and wholesome on God’s green earth.

“Pierre understands our strategic mission to basically envelop the natural order of biological, humanitarian, environmental and moral principals, and then rape it with a nauseating dose of pure, carcinogenic evil,” said Monsanto CEO Hugh Grant, a hollow soul acting in conjunction with Lucifer. “But below that, he understands our long-term vision of market dominance through refusal to label GMOs (Genetically Modified Organisms).

Eat, Prey, Hate

The details of Courduroux’s upcoming ordination into the brass fold of history’s top malicious corporation will not be released to the general public. This behavior is in accordance with Monsanto’s current stance on withholding truth from consumers and courts of law. But where the truth has accidentally been revealed in the past, Monsanto has always had enough money to bribe necessary judges and officials.

“If you put a label on genetically engineered food you might as well put a skull and crossbones on it, and we can’t allow the public the luxury of discernment,” said Grant while simultaneously, indirectly enabling birth-defects, miscarriages, homelessness and cancer on a global level. “We look forward to inducting Courduroux into our never-ending death. I am so grateful he has the inner-greed to accept the position.”

Below is a possible outline of Courduroux’s upcoming Black Mass:

  • A pentagram will be etched in the chemical roundup-affected barren soil of farmland that was confiscated from an innocent organic farmer whose crops were pollinated by wind-born pollen of patent-protected GMO corn. The sacrificial farmer must have been unaware and powerless against the forces of the pollen-bearing wind, and like many farmers, lost his farm and entire life-savings in a lawsuit to Monsanto for “copyright infringement.”
  • Pierre Courduroux will face North and yell, “Beelzebub!” He must conjure the ancient image of Monsanto’s humble beginnings – introducing caffeine to Coca-cola – but move quickly onto more destructive early products such as: sulfuric acid; nuclear weapons; bovine growth hormones (responsible for the high puss content in today’s factory cattle industry); PCBs (largely responsible for depletion of the ozone layer) and polyurethane.
  • He will then most likely face East and scream, “Lucifer!” He must conjure the image of one of Monsanto’s most evil products, Agent Orange. To make the curse more binding, he must envision the prolonged suffering inflicted upon Vietnam natives and war veterans since widespread dispersal of Agent Orange during the Vietnam War.
  • Pierre will most likely then face South and plead, “Mephistopheles”. In doing so he will conjure the mental image of Monsanto’s Neotame molecule; chemical roundup fertilizer; and homeless farmers and their families.
  • He will lastly potentially face west, screaming, “Beloved Satan and all his hosts!” while visualizing Monsanto’s favorite business partners and customers: Bayer; Syngenta; Dow; Dupont; McDonald’s, Sara Lee, and of course, the deep pockets of the FDA and former Monsanto employees who now –or have recently – worked for the US Government including Clarence Thomas, Michael R. Taylor, Linda Fisher, Michael Friedman, William D. Ruckelshaus, and Mickey Kantor.
  • Final steps: Light a red or black candle, draw blood, drip it on a piece of paper, burn the paper in the candle, yell, “I love thee O Dark Lord of Death!” and then get back to his desk.

Photocredit: Part of the picture is photoshopped using the flag from sierra tierra/flickr

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2 comments for “Monsanto To Induct New CFO, Vice-President During Black Mass For The Dark Lord

  1. Kevin herglotz
    December 29, 2010 at 10:40 am

    Hey jeb – can you please correct your story. Ann Veneman was not and never has been an employee of monsanto. years ago she briefly served on the board of calgene but that was befor monsanto purchased them. Please correct this in your piece as your assertion is incorrect. Thank you.

  2. December 29, 2010 at 11:24 am

    Thank-you Kevin! I just removed her name from the article. As I mentioned in the direct email I sent to you, I mostly gather the info from various websites, and am certainly not an expert in any of these fields. I mostly strive to convey the essence, and certainly do not want to slander anyone undeserving.

    Please, anyone who reads these articles, let me know all such input. It helps me learn for the next lampoon. Unless, however, you work for Monsanto. In that case, your words are dead to me.

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