Study Shows Personal Transformation Most Effective After Keg Party, Midnight.

delirium Chris 2004

DISASSOCIATED PRESS – Statistics reveal that 77% of adults have a desire to somehow improve the quality of their lives. Be it finances, health or happiness, these goals are most commonly set on New Years Eve with a start date of New Years Day.

Reason dictates that it is very wise of these individuals to pursue the difficult task of self-improvement on the heels of the most self-destructive night of the year.

“I find that most people make the best plans for their well-being during a drunken binge,” said Candice Martin, sociologist, during a Skype interview from her bathtub while nursing a hangover. “During the fragile beginnings of our personal transformation, we all like to reminisce about the small talk, keg-stands and Yeager-bombs we enjoyed while first deciding to better our lives.”

10 Seconds to Freedom

A bright outlook is essential to any successful new phase of life. With the especially positive attitude of a high blood alcohol content, our negative habits or addictive patterns can usually be discarded after a 10-second countdown to midnight.

“However, in the very common case of resolutions to quit intoxicants, or lose weight, it is acceptable for the revelers to continue their binging activity until they fall asleep on the floor.” explained Martin. “And then the yeasty, cigarette-covered floor becomes the actual foundation of a new life of health and wellness. It just makes sense.”

Vague Resolutions


“For many people, it is hard enough just to conceive of making a personal change, not to mention actually being specific about it,” said our retching expert. “These are the people whom make the more vague goal of, ‘being happy.’”

Ironically, these types fuel their vague notion to find happiness by overwhelming their constitution with an abundance of alcohol, a known depressant. “It is then more pleasingly dramatic for them to transition from an abundance of an addictive chemical, to a complete absence. This is also true for nicotine addicts,” added Martin while putting out Marlboro on the edge of her bathtub, after just quitting cigarettes.


Brave New World, Helpful Hangover


New Years Day, for much of the world, is symbolic of the opportunity to make a fresh start. For the record, this is best done with a raging hangover, especially if it lingers a few days, making one crave the extra comfort of whatever it is one is trying to quit.

“As these bold souls venture into their brave new world with no specific plan or support group, their fresh conviction is strongly affirmed by a pounding headache, perhaps tinged with regret and the scent of vomit, unable to eat or even lay down without spinning.“ Before sociologist Candice Martin ended her Skype connection, her tears could be heard splashing into the first nauseous bath of her pristine unexplored metamorphosis.

Photo credit: deleriumchris 2004/Flickr creative commons


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