Is the air conditioner broken in your office? Do you want to perform simple stretches to prevent carpal tunnel syndrome while helping an unscrupulous Americanized citizen purchase his forty-fifth Rolls Royce?
Look inward no further!
In a society of well-intentioned shortcuts “Hot Office Yoga” is the perfect combination of two already-abridged forms of Yoga.
Standard “Chair Yoga” is the natural result of healthy-minded office workers seeking to release tension during micro-breaks. “Bikram Yoga” is the litigious result of a ruthless opportunist seeking to patent combinations of ancient yoga postures while excluding natural body heat. It was only a matter of time before both of these wonderful abbreviations combined to form, “Hot Office Yoga.”
“I’m a busy copyright attorney, and I don’t have time to build up my own body heat by activating my core,” said Jim Cutler, Hot Office Yoga enthusiast. “So I take advantage of my stuffy office by practicing common poses that I paid Bikram Choudhury dearly to learn.”
Hot Office Yoga, like Bikram Yoga, contains 26 poses that have been extracted from the 908 classic yoga postures depicted in 35 ancient texts, some as old as 5,000 years. In 2003, Mr. Bikram obtained a copyright for these 26 poses and now sues anyone known to teach any combination or derivatives of these postures without paying up to $11,000 in training, $10,000 to open the franchise, plus at least $12,000 per year in royalties.
“I’m especially attracted to Hot Office Yoga,” said Cutler, “Because, for one I work in an office. And two, I’m a lawyer, and I admire anyone who wants to make the world a better place while co-opting public domain and exploiting the weakness of humanity.”
Though not officially sanctioned by Mr. Bikram, Hot Office Yoga has been spreading among white-collar ranks, and even low-income telemarketers. The latter actually have much in common with Mr. Bikram, namely their tactlessness and their headsets.
However, due to its infancy, Hot Office Yoga lacks a central guru or training standards. Like “Chair yoga”, it is not yet a capitalist venture. This is perhaps the only reason its practitioners have not been targeted by Bikram’s attorneys. However, lawyer Jim Cutler and his firm are researching Bikram’s multiple lawsuits to find a loophole so they can claim domain over this new fad.
“There’s nothing like clocking in, sitting down at the computer, turning the heat up to 115 degrees, stripping down into a Speedo, and keeping limber between phone calls,” said Cutler. “Sure, I do want to cleanse and unite with God, only I want to do this without leaving my cubicle.”
Thousands of other desk-bound yogis feel the same way. They want “Hot Office Yoga” to be an official spiritual lineage with a capitalistic future. If the lawyers at Cutler’s firm are successful at converting commonly known stretches into their own “intellectual property,” they claim they will honor Bikram’s influence on their business model.
“If I must I will pay the monthly tithe,” explained Cutler, “But I would rather flatter him with imitation by wearing a 57 thousand dollar watch and having sex with my students.”
Photo credits: Comedian Kevin Lee (background shots); lululemon (the lady in yellow); flickr/tiarescott (photo of Bikram); flickr/Ralph Malpass (photoshopped chair).
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