Obama Ends Birth Certificate Debate With Rebirthing Therapy

barack-rebirth

Above: Barack Obama, wrapped in a swaddling cloth, basks in the glow of divine prana, secure in his citizenship.

ARLINGTON, VA (DISSOCIATED PRESS) – As President Obama’s 2012 re-election campaign begins to heat up, so does the three-year old debate as to whether or not he is a natural-born US citizen. Although he already provided the public with images of his Hawaiian Birth Certificate, detractors continue to generate doubt as per Obama’s Constitutional eligibility to be President.

In an innovative solution, Obama has sidestepped further speculation by partaking in a widely accepted therapeutic event in Hawaii, on American soil: President Barack Obama has been officially “Rebirthed.”

Political Rebirth

“Rebirthing is a technique that uses breathwork to release suppressed emotions,” said presidential therapist Ethel Farbstein, “The patient revisits his or her traumatic moment of birth, and it’s a turning point where the brave soul enjoys improvements in health, clarity, emotional well-being, and for Obama, public relations.”

Since its invention by Leonard Orr in 1974, an estimated ten million people worldwide have used Rebirthing to free themselves from life-long patterns of negativity. By hyperventilating for two hours, the rebirther infuses his or her blood with fresh oxygen. This offsets the excessive presence of CO2, which is often linked to anxiety and hypertension.

To date, Barack Obama is perhaps the only person to also use Rebirthing for political gain.

“I needed to demonstrate that I am a full-blooded American, without much C02 in that blood, and that my first human moments took place right here in the land of the free and the brave,” said Barack Obama while still wrapped in a baby blanket during the end of his paradigm shift, “For all practical purposes, today is my very first day as a newly awakened spiritual being, free from the traumas of gestation, delivery and bipartisanism.”

Above: Ethel Farbstein, presidential rebirth therapist, and failed life-coach, reacts to fresh GOP allegations.

 

New Life, New Debate

 

To symbolize his new life, Obama is scheduled to remain on site at Hawaiian Holistic Center, bundled in the womb-like confines of his soft cotton swaddling cloth. However, far away in New York City, Republican Donald Trump is already disputing the location of Obama’s rebirth.

“If Obama really was reborn in Hawaii, why doesn’t he just show us the documentation to prove it?” Trump said to reporters, “And I don’t mean an abbreviated version on a website, I want the entire certificate, signed by Farbstein. Otherwise, as far as I can tell he was reborn in Kenya.”

Despite already budding debate about the actual location of Obama’s regression therapy, our President is retaining his newly optimistic sense of cosmic consciousness. “People like Donald Trump can fight me until the end of my days, regarding where I was born,” said Obama, “But after today’s very public Breathwork session, nobody can dispute where I was re-born “

Photo credit: Flickr/creative commons by: baby photo (cpopp77); Barack photo: ethan bloch; Ethel Farbstein (sean dreilinger).

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