I Don’t Know Anything About It, Or Practice It, But I’m A Wiccan Or A Pagan


The cleverly tattooed Wiccan Pagan, socially embattled, but dressed nicely for Radio Shack.

By Moonman Maeven Raven (Carl Smithson)

This is something I feel in my loins, wherever they are. I especially feel it during the full moon, after it’s fully waned.  I’m either a Wiccan or a Pagan. I’m not sure the difference. To tell you the truth, I’m probably both. Yeah, I’m both.

From what I can tell, being a Pagan or a Wiccan means I’m connected to the earth and my face is very tattooed and pierced. Yeah, that’s what it definitely means, and also doing or feeling mystic things. Like how to shape-shift or practice the astral art of lurid dreaming.  Or banishing enemies with spells.

The Pagan Inquisition

My enemies are my co-workers at Radio Shack. They belittle my religion despite my best efforts to dress nicely. Yet I never make negative comments when they have ashes on their foreheads. Especially on Ash Wednesday.

Unfortunately, there’s a scarcity of Pagans and Wiccans here in the suburbs of Dayton, Ohio, mainly because I think King Arthur’s lineage didn’t really pass that on after Lancelot broke up his marriage with Queen Arthur.

So…and then the Christians decorated trees on what used to be called the Winter Equinox. That’s why it’s called X-mass. Catholics let groves grow over our old Wiccan stone churches. And everyone knows rabbits like groves.  Get it, Easter Bunny? It’s all a farce.

I’ll be fair. It isn’t my place to judge the Judeo-Christians. I come from Judeo-Christian lineage. My dad is Jewish, and my mom is Christian. These types don’t understand me, and I don’t understand them. Also, I don’t really understand myself.

Mayans, Flyers and Prayers, Oh my!

I don’t know any rites, or rituals, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to sacrifice my first born, or eat a goat’s liver under a full moon. Maybe. I’m trying to figure out the details by listening to the radio. That’s one of the perks about my job:  I get good prices on radios.

Anyway, I don’t know what my earth spirituality requires of me, but I do know that it should be treated with the same respect that I give to inferior, fabricated book-based religions.


An Ankh, also known as an Onyx. This 8th Century Celtic symbol was borrowed by the ancient Egyptians. Aliens use this symbol in crop circles, stone carvings and very often China makes earrings out of it. 

Christians like my mom give due respect to Jews like my dad. She knows that the Old Testament of her Christian bible was borrowed from a Hebrew holy book. But the Jewish don’t call their book the “Old Testament.” No, they just call it, “The Testament.”

I also believe in the Mayan prophesies, like, Carlos Castaneda and what they’re doing down in Area 51 and a half.  The aliens actually created the old Pagan castle, Stonehenge. Yeah, that’s right. They did it using cheap Mexican labor, in those days called, “Mayans.”

Symbols that symbolize the actual thing

The easiest way to become a Pagan in suburban America is to get a Wiccan symbol.

There are a couple different symbols that I really resonate with.  One of them is called an Onyx, or maybe an Ankh. It’s just like a crucifix, except there’s a loop at the top and there is no Jesus. For most people it symbolizes eternal life. But for me it’s greater than that.

When I was a kid at summer camp, I crafted a legless stick puppet out of popsicle sticks. It looked like an Ankh-thingy. Ok, I admit it: it actually was an Ankh that I stole from my counselor. I told everyone that I made it. So every time I see an Ankh, or Onyx, I always think of the one I allegedly “crafted”.

Make use of such powerful symbolism in your life, and you will be wise like me.

Oh no, I’ve got to go man, Coast-to-Coast with George Noory is coming on the radio!

 Photo credits: Russian_freak (flickr) and vacuumboy9 and benjamin_and_daddy

Share this:
Share this page via Email Share this page via Stumble Upon Share this page via Digg this Share this page via Facebook Share this page via Twitter
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Technorati Tags: , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *