Karma Lampoon’s top 100 comedy posts about yoga, spirituality, health and wellness, the environment

propfortress

Defend your space while waiting for yoga class to begin.

Karma Lampoon has reached post number 100! To celebrate I’m listing the top 100 posts of all time!

You got it, these aren’t just the top articles and videos, these are all of them. I’m adding a few notes on the inspiration and various backstories. They are listed in descending order, beginning with the most hits.

1. 10 Ways To Non-Awkwardly Wait For Yoga Class To Start A super fun article to write, based on things I’ve seen while managing a yoga studio, and stories from my yoga teacher wife.  I attribute much of the success of this article to having been linked on Yoga Rants and Raves. This photo is intricate, as I’d just learned how to work with layers in photoshop.

2. Banning My Traditional Ninja Outfit Is Religious Persecution  This gets a lot of hits from people randomly googling comedy articles that compare burqas to ninja outfits. Also, it was linked on nrp.org

3. Monsanto Joins Facebook Farmville, Devastates Neighbors. The sudden idea was too ridiculous to ignore. Monsanto is horrible. The article’s popularity is because of  a retweet from @GMWatch (gmwatch.org)

4. Bikram and Chair Yoga Combine to Form Hot Office Yoga. I got a short term job where there are cubicles. It was hot, and I wanted to stretch. This article was born and its success is  due to the kind reposting  on YogaDork.com.

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Hot office yoga. Burn more calories easier.

5. Company Spearheads Wellness Breaks For Non-Smokers. You ever wonder if smokers are getting more breaks and ironically, more fresh air? Not in this article.

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Above: A martial artist enjoys his wellness break with cigarette smokers .

6. Reverse Psychology Word Magnets. This was just a fake ad. I have no idea how it got 700 hits. Probably people who sell actual word magnets don’t have any real web-presence. They keep finding me. I’m going to start selling magnets!

7. This Pit Bull Just Isn’t Naturally Lowering My Blood Pressure People keep finding this article after doing google searches for whether or not violent dogs still have therapeutic affects on sufferers of high blood pressure. If you build it they will come.

8. Octo-Kali Ma: ‘Powerfully Unnecessary Symbol’ A little pop-culture thrown into the fray. People who stumble upon this post usually searched for info on Kali-Ma and then saw it was really just making fun of Nadya Suleman. This probably just reaffirmed their commitment to spirituality upon reading about the opposite.

Octo-Kali Ma, a quick rising symbol of parasitic excess energy

9. Credits, Video, Stand-up Comedy, Resume, Bio, Press Kit, Calendar. JebCadwell.com was in a state of transition and so I was sending my bookers and agents to this link. JebCadwell.com is actually merged with KarmaLampoon.com, but soon enough I’ll separate them out at the home page and have a different blog stream for more autobiographical stories and stand-up videos.

10. 6 Ways To Unobtrusively Exit For The Bathroom During Yoga Class.People love lists!

11. Thanks To This Pup Tent Sweat Lodge, I Am A Virgin Again!  This is a true story with very little embellishment. I went to Prescott College in AZ. During a class called “Transpersonal Psychology in the Wilderness” we camped in the desert for a month. At the end of it, one of my classmates went in the direction of this article. Then I also later lived in Plainfield, VT, where I pulled upon some other characters.

12. I Religiously Read About Meditation Two Hours Per Day. This is the most subjectively autobiographical of the postings so far in this list. I go through phases where I meditate for two hours per day, and then I go through phases where I feel like I should meditate for that long, but I cheese out and just read about it instead. Oh the peaks and valleys of the middle path!

13. Dr.Atkins to Reincarnate As Cow, Pig, Chicken, Fish I’m so surprised nobody else wrote this one first. I’m always thinking about the karmic repercussions of harming another animal. In Buddhist literature it is written that there are always karmic effects from encouraging others to do the actually harm. How can not everyone wonder about Dr.Aktins with this in mind!

14. Social Anxiety Medication Gives Conspiracy Theorist Trust In Government, Diarrhea. This is just the product of a logical mind. Of course this would happen.

15. Dreadlock Clogs Drain. ONE OF MY FAVORITE ARTICLES. It includes a recurring character based on a fairly famous traveling yogi and a bunch of people left over from Dead tour.

16. Yoga Journal Runs Out Of Front Cover Ideas. This was one of the very first ideas I had for Karma Lampoon, years before I before I got it going. I was working at a yoga studio, stocking Yoga Journals. Originally I was going to call Karma Lampoon, “The Windy Drishti”.

17. Point/Counterpoint: A Buddhist Monk vs Mitch Borkowski. Mitch is one of the funniest guys I know. Buddhist says that sentient beings have no permanent soul. Mitch says that Steely Dan has no soul. From a real conversation at Threadless.

laptop-yogi

When teachers tweet during class, it shows students that it is okay for them to check twitter.

18. Monsanto To Induct New CFO, Vice-President During Black Mass For The Dark Lord. I cannot stand Monsanto.

19. Yoga teacher continually promotes next event while teaching current event. Like almost all of these stories, this is based on someone I know, and someone we all know. It’s cool that this made it into the top 20% of overall page visits, as I just wrote it two weeks ago.

20. My Spirit Animal Is The Dolphin Due to My Prehensile Penis. This comes directly from a longer series of spirit animal jokes my friend Nick and I used to make together, and then me later in my stand-up.

21. Advice Time With An Agitated Meditator. I wrote this a couple of years before I published it. I like the character a ton. Time to bring him back!

22. Five Simple Ways To Get Return Yoga Students. On second thought, don’t do these things.

23. Stuttering Yoga Teacher Leads 3.5 Hour Primary Series Class. Also one of the first Karma Lampoon articles I wrote, a couple years before publishing it.

24. Ant-Farm Becomes Metaphor For Life, Ends in Depressing Death Pile. I felt this in my soul while working at Threadless. Jeff won this green chemical ant farm but state law prohibited the shipping of fertile females. Ironically, while writing the article my laptop actually got infested with tiny ants. I had to stop eating at my desk.

25. United Nations Welcomes New Ambassador of Lululemon. Ambassador.

26. Yoga-Matic Instant Teacher Certification Programs. Get it quickly!

27. Self-Denying Ascetics Adopt Middle-Path With Snuggies. Mendicant monks. Blankets with sleeves.

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Self-denying mystics enjoying the middle path

28. Obama Ends Birth Certificate Debate With Rebirthing Therapy

29. As A Cigar Smoker I Relate To The Persecution Of Nag Champa Users. Some people are too sensitive!

30. Monsanto: New Solutions To Old Monarch Butterfly Problems. The idea for this sarcastic and informative post came a year before I moved from Vermont to Chicago and began studies with Second City. I wrote it first as a stand-up joke, and then as a radio piece.. I think Tom Stearns of High Mowing Seeds first informed me about the evils of Monsanto.

31. I’m sorry you feel that I’m not really apologizing.Was trying to see how many different ways I could mimic the self-serving non-apology.

32. Study Shows Personal Transformation Most Effective After Keg Party, Midnight. 

33. Oh No! I Overmeditated Before My Aggressive Board Meeting. One of my favorites.

34. My Baseball Analogy For Life Stops When Our Bullpen Warms Up With Less Than A Two Run Lead.

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President Obama shortly after being rebirthed.

35. Five Heavy-Handed Ways To Overcome Resistance To Meditation. I’m pretty stern myself at times. Good thing I don’t have a meditation lock-box.

36. Solar Powered Full-Spectrum Lights Fail To Relieve Seasonal Affective Disorder. Smaaaaart.

37. Yoga Student Passive-Aggressively Decides Not To Practice Yoga.This guy! We’ve all met him. When he does practice he doesn’t follow along with class, does his own thing and gets hurt and then blames it on the teacher.

38. Half Prodigal Son Hits Bottom, Fails To Return Home. People take it for granted that folks like myself return home. Sometimes we don’t.

39. I Don’t Know Anything About It, Or Practice It, But I’m A Wiccan Or A Pagan. I know a hundred people who could’ve been the main character in this story. Good people, great improvisors.

40. I Believe in Cosmic Energy, and I’m a Conservative Republican. One of my teachers at Liberation Yoga said something in class about energy being energy, not differentiating between Democrat or Republican, Catholic versus Hindu. This article was born.

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41. Ear Candles Ruin Birthday Cake. It was my birthday and we didn’t have regular candles for my cake. So we used ear candles, and they sucked the frosting right up into the vacuum created by the flame. I’m kidding. That would be so stupid. This is easily one of my top 5 favorites.

42. Digitally Assisted Creative-Visualization: Your Headset to Happiness. Big fan of lampooning laziness or hedonism mixed with actual desire for change. An early article, back when they were all way too long.

43. My Body Is Only Borrowed Energy, A Lot Of It. This is my favorite article  of all of them. It isn’t the smartest, or the punchiest, but it comes up in my head daily as I contemplate the formation of matter from cosmic energy.

44. Six Over-Used Tips To Transform Your Life.

45. My Spirit Animal Is The SUV.

46. Twenty Ways To Know When To Change Your Spiritual Practice. When the going gets tough…

47. Psst. Hey. Psst. I Only Joined This Silent Retreat To Meet People For My Network Marketing Business. This is a true encounter. And I’ve been to silent retreats just like that. But this encounter took place at a call center job in real life.

48. Life Coach With Boring Life Views Everything As A Turning Point. Here is a recurring character, Ethel Farbstein. Based on someone I knew when I lived in southwest Colorado.

49. I’m A Total Renunciate, Except For These Knick-knacks.  You have to read this one to believe it.

50. The New-Age Journalism Synonym Drought Sketch. From a Sketch Comedy show I co-wrote. In this scene the journalist tries to say the same thing over and over but in different words. It is great acting from Katrina. It spoofs writers for Yoga magazines, specifically Yoga Chicago. Hilarious.

51. As A Spiritual Icon, You Should House Me and My Family. Another one of my favorites. A spiritual gigolo, this guy. And he’s real. Same character as in the “Dreadlock Clogs Drain” article.

52. Intense Secrecy, Shame Surround Area Fifty-One-And-A-Half. I had a childhood friend whose parents owned  very narrow cottage in beach town Hampton, NH. Its street number was a 1/2 digit.  It seemed the neighbors had subdivided their property, selling off the driveway. They weren’t white trash, but they served as the inspiration for this story. That, and Coast to Coast, AM radio.

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Area 51 and a half. An sub-dividing embarrassment.

53. Karma Lampoon Newsletter 2010. Not exactly satire or comedy. But it is comedy and totally cool.

54.  Ethical Treatment of Animals Would Be Easier Without Zucchini. I thought this, myself, while not enjoying a few different occasions of vegetarian burritos at Mexican restaurants.

55. Avoiding Spiritual Gigolos. There are lots of guys like this. Different varieties, including Anandavon Bhagamon from a few other articles, including  As A Spiritual Icon, You Should House Me and My Family. I mostly based this article off of two different New Age hustlers I met in Sedona, AZ.

56. Do Animals Take After Their Countries. Is the invasion of harmful Chinese plants and animals similar to China’s invasion of Tibet?

57. From The Editor: September Newletter. Newsletters are great, especially when they are followed by more newsletters. Otherwise, they are not fertile sources of news, they are desert islands of brief extroversion.

58. Don’t Judge Your Guru By The Eye Patch: Pirate Doppleganger. Light humor, but one of my more clever stories. Based on a story with different examples by S.N. Goenka.

59. When I’m Thinking of Someone and the Phone Rings, it’s That Person, a Bill Collector.

60. Government Sponsors Acupuncture For Trypanophobia, Fear of Needles. In retrospect this should’ve been two different articles. Right now it has two different subjects. Should’ve been one about the government sponsoring a health clinic that forces various forms of therapy as torture,  and the other about a new form of acupuncture just for people whom are afraid of needles. Similar, but different. It still may happen.

61.  I Hope This Espresso Will Speed Up My Homeopathic Medicine. Note: caffeine cancels out homeopathic medicine.

62. Dropped Psychic Connection Ruins Channeled Conversation.

63. Stand-up Comedy: Definitions of Spirituality. I performed 400 shows in under 10 months. This final set included various jokes about how we all have different definitions of spirituality. This is a video of that.

64. Rising Signs Switched At Birth. Awesome.

65. Hieroglyphs Reveal Mayan Calendar Maker Was “Milking It For Overtime”.

66. The Yoga Intervention Sketch.  Video from The Yoga Show: Wealth and Hellness.

67. Bodhisattva: I Am Just Having The Worst Life Ever!

68. Dream Analyst Rents Interpretation Space To Advertisers.

69. Green Party Splits, Becomes Blue and Yellow Parties.

70. Metric-Using 12-Step Group Converts to 30.48 Steps.

71. “Awakened” Yogi Loses Ego, Sense of Humor, Friends. In so many ways this was me, but I wasn’t a jerk about it. Sometimes I’m still on a “militant schedule,” but now I’m a jerk about it. This especially reminds me of me when I lived  in Colorado with my buddies Aaron, Nick and Seth back in 2000.

72. Point/Counterpoint: A Health Advocate vs A Buddhist Monk. They really go at it.

73. Present Moment Awareness Seminar Not As Good As Last Year.

74. Dionysus: Nobody Really Parties Anymore.

75. Chupacabra? More Like, “Chupa Nickname”. Your nickname sucks.

yogajournalrunsout

Yoga Journal runs out of front cover ideas.

76. Wow! Someone’s Really Talking About Me! Or I Have Tinnitus. I wrote this one in Madison, in a coffee house while waiting for my stand-up gig to start.

77. Interview on Podcast: Allen and Jackson Love America.  Good people. Great Progressive Politics Podcast.

78. Point/Counterpoint: A Pro-Lifer vs. A Buddhist Monk . Is life sacred, or is life suffering?

79. The Pontius Pilates Method. Probably the second or third thing I ever did that ended up in this list.

80. The Skipping Instructional Yoga CD Sketch. Loved doing this show. Part of The Yoga Show: Wealth and Hellness.

81. Holistic Wellness Blogger Gets Pissed At Plug-in, Widget. Ok. I got pissed. But then I immediately focused it into this entry.

82. Male to Left of Hottie Looking Forward to Prasarita Padottanasana. You gotta know the reference. Or read the article.

83. Point/Counterpoint: Rumi vs Mo’ Litter’ Doggy. I forgot about this one till now! A total spoof on everlasting unconditional love and rapper wars.

84. Buddha Would Have Had More Success With A Noble 5-Fold Path. Less is more.

gang and color therapy patient

Street gangs harass a local color therapy patient. She wears red, the color of the root chakra. This is perceived as a sign that she is looking to fight a turf war.

85. Color Therapist to Street Gangs: This is Not a Turf War. Don’t be fooled by the low hit ranking. If I had a top 10, this would be included.

86. After Careful Consideration, Yoga Teacher Recommends Yoga.

87. The Community Mat Song. Video.

88. The Inter-Certified School of Certification: Certification Program. They’re all inbred!

89. India Lies Within Indiana!

90. Introducing: Have-A-Heart Listerine. Came up with this idea while working at YMCA camp in AZ during college. Obviously it stuck.

91. Past Life Recollection Creates Fiscal Nightmare.  I think of this concept all the time. What if…

92. Buy It Now! One-Click Spiritual Names. I took a White Tantric Yoga workshop, and they had forms to fill out to request a spiritual name. That is what inspired this little advertisement.

93. The Whey of The Peaceful Warrior.

94. Left Side Bodywork Specialist Advertisement.

95. The Elation Corporation: Life Scripter. Scripted Living For A Healthier Tomorrow.

96. Fast and Easy One Bead Rosary Movement. Wrote this one 8 years ago, long before I knew what for.

97. Macho, Yet Sensitive and Germaphobic in Iowa. Random video log from the road. Travel health tips.

98. Sole Student Taught At. Verbatim.

99. Man Getting Massage Keeps Waiting For Om CD To Get To The Bridge. 

100. Karma Lampoon’s top 100 comedy posts about yoga, spirituality, health and wellness, the environment and things they talk about on Coast-to-Coast Radio

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