My indigestible multi-vitamins are great fiber


Mult-vitamins aren’t just not a way to get nutrients, they are also a way to help relax your chewing standards and pass solid steaks through your intestines

By Larry White

I’m a practical person. When it rains I use an umbrella, when it is sunny I wear sunscreen. And when I want plastic things to push junk food through my bowels, I take multi-vitamins.

My vitamins may not so much absorb into my blood stream, but they sure help push through the waste materials. I don’t have time or desire for a salad or anything normal.

Don’t judge me. 80% of the world’s multi-vitamins are produced in unregulated Chinese factories. They use petro-chemicals and hyper-pressure technology to create a convenient substitute for broccoli. The body can’t really break it down, but it might absorb a vitamin or two now and then.

This is good, because I’m not really into cooking.

A sleeping broom is a sweeping broom

Sometimes late at night, just before bed, I’ll plop down on the couch and I’ll nurture myself with instant comfort food: steak, cheddar soup, corn chips, tamales, corn tortillas, nachos, marshmallows, and anything made out of bleached, enriched white flour and sugar. I’ll eat in huge bites, without chewing. But in a good way.

I don’t worry about proper vitamins or minerals. I don’t worry about it rotting in my gut, rendered immobile by its lack of fiber. I’m satisfied knowing my multi-vitamins will drag out this sludge while I’m resting.

The means justifies the rear-end

The first time I was aware that I’d be better off with a water-dissolvable, liquid multi-vitamin, was when I took my morning dose without enough breakfast. I could feel the vitamins burning in my stomach.

The next time I realized that there was a problem was when I got a job cleaning out porta-potties for the annual GNC convention. At the bottoms of those crappers there would always be a layer of partially dissolved vitamin pellets.

Instead of switching to a liquid vitamin, I turned the problem into a solution. I bought bulk loads of super-cheap multi-vitamins, made in China by prison labor and child labor, or maybe even children prisoners. And I feel good about it because this is now my daily fiber.

Comfort food, or acid buffer?

You might ask, but Larry, doesn’t that burn your stomach too? No, it does not. I’m always sure to take my vitamins with 8 ounces of distilled water and 2 to 4 servings of mashed potatoes, French fries or potato chips.

I figure a little of each pill will seep into my blood, and the rest of it will help me have healthier yet more gluttonous intestinal life.

Photo credit: sustainable sanitation/flickr

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