Stuttering Yoga Teacher Leads 3.5 hour Primary Series Class

Jim Wentworth, Stock Trader, reacts to his own stupidity at having stayed for the entire class.

ATLANTA –At Yoga Time Studio in Atlanta, Georgia last week, stuttering instructor Dan Borgstein led his students through a three and a half hour yoga routine that normally takes about ninety minutes.

“Ashtanga is tough enough as it is,” said student Gloria Bachman, “but to be doing it for over twice as long as normal, that’s just crazy”.

The Ashtanga Yoga primary sequence is composed of 75 various poses, interlaced with strenuous repetitious movement. When practiced quickly, the series builds up heat that purifies the body, but when practiced slowly, in the words of stuttering instructor Borgstein, “I-i-i-it p-piss-pisses p-p-p-people aw-aw-aw-aw-aw-aw-off.”

As per why it took Dan Borgstein so long to get through class, student spokesman Gloria Bachman said, “He told us that it was the first time trying to lead the series without his cue cards. It took him like 3 minutes just to tell us that.”

“S-so-some p-p-people l-l-l-l-lack pa-pa-pa-patience and per-per-per-per-per-perseverance necessary to be a Yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yogi.

Traditionally, the Ashtanga yoga series is taught in the ancient language of Sanskrit. It is common for newer instructors to use the aid of cue cards, or risk mispronouncing the Sanskrit names.

“Dan didn’t really mispronounce the end of any words, but he surely did add quite a few first syllables to most of them,” said class analyst Gloria Bachman in the hall after class.

“When he got to boat pose, Uttkatasana, he sounded like that guy from Welcome Back Cotter, ‘Ooh Ooh Ooh Uttkatasana’ what was his name, Horseshack?”

Not as many students had the sense of humor that Gloria portrayed.

“At first I was thinking that I could handle the challenge of having patience with his speech impediment,” said Jim Wentworth, local stock trader.  “I thought I would use his handicap to make me a stronger student. Three hours later I was like, ‘This guy has to be kidding! He’s an idiot to think that he can teach yoga with a stutter like that!’ Now I’m thinking he’s so unqualified its actually rude!”

Twenty students began the 12pm class, but 7 of those students chose to leave half way through.

“Th-th-th-th-th-th=they p-p-p-p-pr-probably h—ha-had j-j-jo-j-jo-jo-jobs to g-g-g-ge-get ba-ba-ba-ba-back t-to.  B-b-b-b-b-but r-re-really, y-y-y-y-yoga is a fu-fu-fu-full t-t-time j-j-j-j-job. S-so-some p-p-people l-l-l-l-lack pa-pa-pa-patience and per-per-per-per-per-perseverance necessary to be a Yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yogi. ”.

The incident has brought up many questions about how easy it is for unqualified people to receive yoga teacher certificates.

Dan Borgstein told associated press that he was not discriminated against by his online Yoga school. In fact, he proudly said, “I w-was wa-wa-one of the most qua- qua- qua- qualified t-typists en-ro-ro-rolled.”

When questioned about what job he will pursue if yoga doesn’t work out, Dan replied, “S-s-s-something com-com-com-compassionate, like, sue-sue-sue-sue-sue-suicide ha-ha-ha-ha-hotline op-op-op-op-op-operator.”

Despite having taken his students on a journey they did not expect, he ended the ordeal with a perfectly silent relaxation at the end of the class, followed by a “Namas-nam-nam-namast-namast…th-th-that’s all folks!”

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