“Awakened” Yogi Loses Ego, Sense of Humor, Friends

Lance Broadson, refreshed from a recent meditation retreat.

Associated New Age Press – Local yogi Lance Broadson recently returned from a ten-day silent meditation retreat during which he claims to have attained an “awakened state”. In the process, it seems he lost his sense of humanity.

“While meditating, I felt my body dissolve into small particles, and I realized there really is no “I”, said Lance without a smile, “So don’t joke to me about your ‘Pop Culture’.”

His roommates were less than thrilled by the changes in Lance’s behavior.

“Not only is there no “I”, for him, but pretty soon there will be no friends either,” said Todd Stromer, roommate. “The only thing that has dissolved is his coolness.” Earlier that day, Todd cracked a joke about scientology, and Lance responded with a scathing recital of Buddha’s sutra about not judging other religions.

Since feeling the dissolution of his body, Lance claims that his ego is not invested in the outcome of regular earthly events.

“She should be happy now that I’m spreading my non-attachment to her. Any suffering she undergoes is only a result of her attachments to the way things ‘should’ be,” said Lance, “She needs to accepts how things are.”

He acts all detached, like he’s pretending to be wise and emotionally uninvolved,” said his girlfriend, Mary Harper. “I was trying to talk with him about my choice of college major, and he just kept saying, ‘This Too Shall Pass.’”

Recently, claims Harper, Lance missed a dinner date they had planned, because he “over-meditated.” “Rather than apologize, he bowed a little bit and said, ‘The Universe is teaching you a lesson. You need to break your habit of reaction.’”

Lance claims that his, “coldness” is actually healthy “objectivity”.

“She should be happy now that I’m spreading my non-attachment to her. Any suffering she undergoes is only a result of her attachments to the way things ‘should’ be,” said Lance, “She needs to accepts how things are.”

Since realizing certain truths about the fabric of physical existence, Lance’s drop in productivity has been noticed by his boss at the co-op.

“Ever since he got back from that meditation retreat he’s slow and has a fake blissed-out look on his face,“ said shift manager Emily Percival,

“I could be imagining it, but I think he also has a slight Indian accent. Mixed with Obi-Wan-Kenobi.” Regardless, said Emily, if Lance doesn’t pick-up the pace he’ll soon be, “meditating on food stamps.”

Lance has acknowledged his unusual qualities. “You see, when I reach for my clip-board, I need to be aware that my hand is made up of vibrating sub-atomic particles. A focused mind can feel the vibrations.” Unfortunately for Lance, merely feeling vibrations isn’t enough. “I have to feel vibrations all the time. I have to live right, eat right, think right, talk right, have only uplifting conversation about meditation.”

“When you realize that life is suffering, and that there is a path to end that suffering, and you are working hard to attain that goal, you don’t have the energy to laugh at a bad pun about ToFurky.” – Lance Broadson

Back on the home front, meals have become difficult. “He said that he doesn’t want his vibrations to be perpetuated by unhappy animal vibrations, so he’s going vegetarian,” said Todd Stromer. “He said he’d be happy eating ToFurky. I said, ‘ToFurky? More like, ‘Faux Turkey!’ I know it’s a cheesy pun, but he didn’t even smirk, he just gave me a speech about ‘right speech’. He went on and on, saying that I should only say noble things, that my breaths are limited, that I need to escape the wheel of perpetual reincarnation.”

A beatific and agitated Lance was very adamant about getting in the parting words. “When you realize that life is suffering, and that there is a path to end that suffering, and you are working hard to attain that goal, you don’t have the energy to laugh at a bad pun about ToFurky.”


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