By Sean McShamus
I stole a self-help book. I helped myself to a copy of “The Four Agreements.” I needed it more than someone with the moral standards to not steal it. Besides, it was a public library and I pay sales tax. But I’m an honest guy, so I’m going to tell you the truth: I lied to the librarian when she asked me about it.
Last week I wanted learn how to be a better person, and so I grabbed a copy of “The Four Agreements” off the shelf and bolted out the door. Totally got away with it too. Ha! The bastards!
Each “agreement” is like a friggin’ new way to try to live, you know, without all the bullshit. And until I got caught in a lie, it transformed my ass. Only problem, by the time I was halfway through reading the fourth agreement, I already started jonesing, wondering where I was going to get my next agreement.
That’s when I realized that stupid library had the sequel, “The Fifth Agreement: A Practical Guide to Self-Mastery.” I couldn’t control myself, I had to get it. Unfortunately that dumb librarian recognized me when I walked in.
The Four Agree-to-Disagreements
Our fight involved four points of contention. In order to regain the benefit of the first book, I must destroy the librarian’s reputation. So here goes.
1. My word is still good, because my two half-truths equal a full truth. She asked why I ran out of the library, setting off the alarm. I said my meter had expired. She said there were no meters within a half-mile. I was like, “Yeah, I know, I parked a half mile away.” In half-truth, I walk a half-mile, from the dollar store where I stole some Funyuns (but it’s ok, because the expiration date had passed).
She wanted to know why the alarm went off, and I told her it was my genital piercing. She totally didn’t call my bluff, didn’t even want to see. To my defense though, my zipper is metal, and one time it got caught in my balls.
2. I take it personally that she destroyed my vow to not take anything personally. I’m Irish-American, doesn’t that doesn’t give her the right to stomp all over my spiritual quest. The witch must think low of my people. I can’t believe she looked down and sighed. And then when her watch beeped, she totally opened up a pill box and took medication. All because of me!
3. She made assumptions about me, and this means she never read The Four Agreements. My conjecture is that she’d rather label me as bad for stealing an uplifting book, than do something good, like track down people who steal erotica, and smut, like “Love in the time of Cholera.” Talk about a communicable disease! I’m not assuming the above, I’m presuming it, you bastard.
4. I always DO MY BEST to deceive everyone. Yet, she claimed my lies were half-assed. Maybe I could have lied better, but I’m not telling her that. She totally screwed over my agreement to not take anything personally, because I can only assume that she was directly attacking my character .
Yo, screw those Four Agreements, those are for pussies anyway. Besides, I heard about this other book that I want to steal next. It’s called, “The Seven Effective Habits of High People”, or something like that.
Photo credit: flickr.com/ Ian D. Keating