Advice Time With An Agitated Meditator

An Angry Meditator offers guidance to newcomers on the path to happiness.

Question:

Dear Agitated Meditator,

My boyfriend of 10 years has been fun and faithful, but I am losing attraction to him because I don’t think his form of meditation is working for him. He visualizes chakras when he meditates, but I think he needs to repeat a Mantra.

Signed,

Trying to get it right

Answer:

Dear Trying,

Shhh! Quiet! Wait, what? Are you serious? You’re interrupting my meditation to ask me that?! Ugh. Don’t you realize that all of this trivial stuff about relationships and feelings, it will all pass. You don’t think that I’m upset that I’ve been trying to meditate for an hour and people keep asking me questions? Well, I am upset. But does that mean that I jump on the rollercoaster of emotion about it? No. Well, maybe a little bit. But it wouldn’t be a problem if I could only close my eyes and objectify the situation instead of listening to your drama.

Q:

Dear Agitated Meditator,

Is it better to meditate indoors or outdoors?

Signed,

Where to sit?

A:

Dear Where,

Put it this way, if I was trying to sit inside right now, I probably wouldn’t be bothered with your question. Not that its a bad question, this is just a bad time to be asking. Lady, please.

Q:

Dear Agitated Meditator,

Do I get benefit from meditation if I only do it when I really feel like it, and never for more than  few minutes? Does listening to sitar music help my chances of having a good meditation?

Your fan,

Casual Soulsearcher

A:

Dear Casual,

You know, I don’t think people were as needy back in Buddha’s day. But here we are, so let’s deal with it.

I never feel like meditating, I get angry just thinking about all the things that will bother me while I’m sitting: EVERYTHING. Everything will bother me. I admit it, I am a miserable person, and it hurts to be with myself, alone, on a cushion. If you meditate at a meditation center, chances are you will be sitting next to someone who is also equally uncomfortable with himself, and fidgets and sighs like a complete jerk-off. But hey, you have to let it go. I mean, I can’t, but at least I’m trying.

The thing is, if you only meditate when you spontaneously feel like it, chances are you’ll be  miserable, always trying to suck energy off of other people. I admit that I lash out at people. I do it  out of discomfort from meditating. But at least I’m not wasting their time with stupid questions. Hint hint. Just kidding! But seriously.

Sitar music?  Ugh. Next question please.

An Angry Meditator feels more spiritual in an orange robe, despite distractions from devotees.

Q:

Dear Agitated Meditator,

My meditation teacher tells me that I need to follow the sound of my breath when I meditate. However, in class there is one woman with very loud breathing. Is it ok to just follow the sound of her breath when mine is too faint?

Signed,

Breathless

A:

Dear Breathless,

You may gain temporary peace by following the breath of this loud woman in your meditation class, but be wary. There may come a day when that woman’s breath may not be at your disposal, and what then? Will you flounder in misery? Or will you rely upon the muscle of being aware of your own, more subtle breath? Sure, you could ask that woman to go home with you, maybe you will get married, or maybe it just wouldn’t be too weird if she just kind of hung out while her breathing brings you peace. But even then, lets say you rely on her aspirant breath as the object of your meditation for years, but then on one day, she gets a hobby. She leaves. What then? Will you drown in misery, or learn to follow your own breath? Sure, you could probably find someone else to breath loud, or even record the first woman on an mp3 and just loop it using Garageband™, but still, come on, get real.  No. The answer is no.

Q:

Dear Agitated Meditator,

I feel more spiritual if I meditate in certain clothing, like in a baggy cloak with a hood. It makes me feel more holy, as though I’m a monk, and then I can get into the meditation more. Have you ever done anything like this?

Sincerely,

Am I parading?

A:

Dear Parading,

Oh, give me a break! Dressing up like some kind of archetype to help you “get into” meditating! Come on! But yes, I did that kind of thing myself, in the 1980s, I followed Sai Baba in India and wore orange. But for as much as the outfit may have helped, I was distracted by the noisy horde of devotees, most of whom had severe Daddy-complexes. Ugh. But Namaste anyways. I have to go. Please don’t follow me.


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2 comments for “Advice Time With An Agitated Meditator

  1. sandy
    July 15, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    HILARIOUS!!

  2. July 15, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    Glad you like it!

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