Avoiding Spiritual Gigolos
Tips to Steer Clear of New Age “Players” that prey upon your money, time, energy and sex.
In the world of self-improvement and spiritual practice, there is lots of Light. And like they say, “Where there is light, there are flies.”
People in the new age community are especially susceptible to con artists due to the nature of their quests. Most spiritual aspirants are vulnerable because they are trying to have more trust in “The Universe”. When someone’s goal is to relinquish their egotistical grasp of control, this leaves them wide open to an entire host of “energy vampires.”
From the Prana Pervert to the Goddess of Gloom, you need tips to survive the ever-cunning onslaught of Spiritual Gigolos.
First you have to recognize the Gigolo. The appearance of the spiritual gigolo varies greatly. Very often you can spot them from the following common traits:
- Sex Appeal: They show a lot of skin. In the case of men, they often go shirtless.
- Headbands. This is so sexy we could have just listed Headbands and saved our breath on the Sex Appeal bullet point.
- Groaners: They groan a lot throughout a yoga class, and the grunting and sighing continue after class while everyone gets ready to leave. Sometimes they’ll even grunt and groan on public transportation afterward. A good test to tell if they are exaggerating is if the grunting stops when they get into the bathroom. No smooth operator wants to sound likes he’s dropping a load at the yoga studio.
- Try to Look French: They sit at cafés in New Age bookstores or Health Food stores, waiting for their prey. This type usually wears berets, but sometimes they are just balding or nervous.
- Wandering Eyes: They look forward to Prasarita Padottanasana.
- Event Planner: Always suggesting a round of drinks after a wellness seminar. If not this, always inviting the most attractive community members to do something like bowl or have a potluck. If they invite two plus people that are greasy or overweight, they may not be Gigolos. Instead they may be a different type of Vampire altogether, one called Bored For Your Blood. See Below.
- Reynolds/Jolie: They look like Bert Reynolds or Angelina Jolie, or a shorter, dumpier looking pastier skinned Angelina Jolie, with kind off dirty blond hair that has true dirty blond highlights.
- Elusive: They are always vague about their past. Saying things like, “There were lots of different ashrams. To think of the names of them is like…whew, what a blur!”
- Spot-heavy: In Yoga, Pilates, Bikram and other physical wellness classes, they are always saying things like, “Can you spot me in this handstand?” “Do you want an adjustment in that Trikonasana (triangle pose)?”
- Stalker: They show up suddenly around the bend from your house and say things like, “Wow, That’s Cosmic!”
If you find yourself in an interaction with a Spiritual Gigolo, end it as soon as possible. Try to break it off as smoothly as you can. Do not hint at a future meeting. Be quick but not abrupt. If you offend the fragile ego of the spiritual gigolo, chances are he will repeatedly attempt to talk with you to “process” the incident. He wants your ear until he feels he’s gained your trust.
Do not engage an energy vampire to “process” an interaction you’ve had. They feed upon processing information, hearing confessions and learning about the weakness of his prey.
- My 12th house is in Mercury.
- Excuse me, I can’t talk right now, I’m practicing for a silent retreat.
- If approached in a yoga class: You shouldn’t adjust me, I have ringworm.
- I can’t go to your potluck. I’m fasting to get rid of parasites.
- Excuse me, I can’t hear you, I need to candle my ears.
- Talk about Jesus Christ a lot. This loses a lot of people. However, every now and then you will encounter a New-Ager that also happens to be a hard core Christian. If that is the case with this one, reverse the tactic. Talk about blood sacrifice. No matter what his or her deal, chances are that would be too much.
- Say something to make them think you are a little crazy, not a good target: “I’m sorry, my mind is elsewhere right now, I am doing to mental catch-up work on my mantra. I totally spaced it all day.
- Pull out your cell phone and pretend you are getting a call. Say something New-Agey, like, “My intuition tells me that this is an important call.” Walk away in a huff while still on the phone after yelling, “Not that!” Exit building as soon as possible. Make sure your ringer volume is off. An incoming call would reveal that you have been faking.
- Remember, in the new age world, it’s ok to be vague. In fact, vagueness is exalted as long as it’s connected to self-improvement. Say something like, “I’m healing from some things right now. My space isn’t really solid. I need to do some journaling tonight.”
- I’m really into Bramacharya now. You know, Celibacy.
Avoid future contact with Spiritual Gigolos:
- When in the vicinity of a potential gigolo, pretend to be very preoccupied with something mystic. Move your lips while moving your fingers in quick mudras.
- Take advantage of the Yoga principle, “dristhi”, Sanskrit for gaze. Yogis learn to keep their gaze relaxed and on a spot on the floor. Wandering eyes make for wandering minds. Keep your eyes down to minimize unwanted conversations.
- Downloads, Podcasts, Digital Media. In today’s world there are many digital options that allow the seeker-of-light to seek transcendence in the comfort of their own homes. The use of digital media keeps the potential gigolo victim safe at home, out of harm’s way.
- Order on-line. Instead of going to New Age stores, there are many online New Age stores. By ordering online, you can minimize your social contact with potential gigolos.
- Wear a t-shirt that says: Keep your Energy out of my field. Say No to Cosmic Gigolos. Available at www.karmalampoon.com
- Move to rural places that aren’t near any Vortices or huge hippie farming communities. If you live in much small town America, you will not encounter Cosmic Gigolos. Nebraska, for example, is a great place to not hear about how luscious your aura is.
- The hard road is to gain a reputation for being outspokenly honest and argumentative. Constantly call everyone on his or her shit, and gigolos will leave you alone. In fact most people will eventually leave you alone.
- Do not dilly-dally in New Age locations. Get in, get spiritual, and get out.
- Smell like bacon. If the gigolo has any actual foundation in spiritual living or new age proclivity, chances are he has an aversion to the smell of bacon. Decorate your ensemble in bacon and bacon grease and you may not be approached seductively.