My Spirit Animal Is The SUV

Cheb's teeth even bear a resemblance to the front grill of a Chevy Suburban

by Cheb Jadwell

Spirit Animals bring us closer to the Great Spirit. They are archetypal forces of nature, which resonate with our inner being. Our spirit animal gives us our power and our personality. We are inexplicably drawn to the image of this Totem, and we inexplicably mirror its essence.

A far-sighted leader who soars above the competition, that person is probably connected to the Eagle. The spirit of the Coyote is certainly the power behind a crafty, if not wily, corporate maven.  A woman who left home, traveled hundreds of miles, fought hard to return home just to get pregnant and die: She’s a Salmon.

As for me, after much soul-searching and listening to the whispers of The Great Spirit, I know my Spirit Animal is The SUV.

The journey to identify, tap into and harness my Spirit Animal was not an easy path. I asked The Great Spirit to give me a sign, but He made me work for it. I went to pup-tent sweat lodges, Tarot readers at New Age bookstore cafés, I randomly read passages from, “Black Elk Speaks” and I solicited advice at potlucks. No luck.

“Whenever I move through a hall or narrow corridor I prefer to walk right in the middle, taking up too much room on both sides of me. This makes it impossible, difficult or least awkward for people to pass me.”

My soul plunged into a darkness known exclusively by wayward pilgrims. Perhaps only the great seekers of the centuries could relate: Black Elk, Crazy Horse, St. John of the Cross, Oprah. But I found no solace amongst Julie, Hal and Beverly, my cubicle mates.

And then I read an article entitled: Find Your Spirit Animal Fast Without Fasting. I answered 5 simple questions proposed by the author and viola! I’m tapped in! My entire existence screams, “SUV”.

Here is a synopsis of my self-discovery:

Question One:

Before you go to sleep, ask the Great Spirit for a sign in your dream. What did you dream about?

I dreamt about some of the biggest SUVs on the market. I saw my Chevy Suburban driving through a parking lot filled with Ford Expeditions, Nissan Armadas, Toyota Sequoias and Buick Enclaves. My Chevy Suburban was the leader of the pack, as it is still the only SUV that can officially  seat 9 adults.

Question Two:

How to do you move throughout the world? Do you move slowly like a Turtle, spry like a fox, lumbering like a bear?

I move like an SUV. I use both of my feet equally to gain traction, much like a four- or all-wheel drive. Whenever I move through a hall or narrow corridor I prefer to walk right in the middle, taking up too much room on both sides of me. This makes it impossible, difficult or least awkward for people to pass me.

I notice that most of us SUV owners do the same thing, especially on narrow side streets. We just stop without pulling to right any. Hey, I don’t want to come within 3 feet of scraping my passenger side door!

"I even resemble an SUV", said Cheb Jadwell. Pictured above: Cheb Jadwell

Question Three:

Physically, what creature do you most closely resemble?

I don’t really resemble any type of animal. However if you glance quickly back and forth between me and a Chevy Suburban, you’d probably think you are seeing twins.

My Chevy has a gold Chevy bowtie emblem prominently displayed in the center of the grille. I also have a Chevy bowtie emblem prominently welded onto my teeth. The body side trim gives my SUV a muscular look by squaring off the fender well. My body has excess fat along my rib cage, squaring me off.

My Chevy has mud-flaps that almost reach the ground. I have huge balls.

Question Four:

When you go out into the woods, what animal do you usually see?

I don’t go into the woods, per se. But I live in Hawthorn Woods, a suburb of Chicago, IL. So that should count. I don’t see any animals other than squirrels and dogs, but I don’t resonate with them. But I do see tons of SUVs. Almost everywhere I look. It is almost spooky how cosmic it seems when I realize that the Great Spirit has been revealing to me my Totem Power this whole time!

Question Five:

Protection. Do you feel protected by any specific animal? Do you feel the need to protect any specific animal?

I definitely feel protected by my SUV. Its front and side impact rating is 5 of 5. And for sure I feel the need to protect my SUV. I don’t have full coverage insurance for nothing. Maybe if I only had liability insurance, I wouldn’t feel empowered spiritually by my Chevy Suburban.

Once I realized that my Spirit Animal is the SUV, the other similarities came pouring in: we both are rugged with off-road capacity, but neither of us ever, ever will touch anything other than pavement. We both eat lots of fuel and have a huge rear end. I have a Suburban, and live in the suburbs. We are both reliable with a cavernous interior and beefy towing capacity.

If the SUV is my Species, my subspecies is definitely The Chevy Suburban. And I am proud of it because it is true to its name. We both exist exclusively in The Suburbs. The Great Spirit rewards honesty. Does anyone who owns a Chevy Trailblazer ever blaze trails? Have you ever seen a Ford Explorer explore anything other than a parking lot?  It’s like, “Hey Toyota 4 Runner, what are you running for, a gallon of milk?”

Now that I know who I am, I know how to best take advantage of my fuel rating and load capacity. This makes my kids happier, my boss happier and my wife happier. It makes my life happier. And I thank the Great Spirit, and Chevy.

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