Government Sponsors Acupuncture For Trypanophobia, Fear of Needles

Military Police assist an experimental acupuncturist

Photo Credit: Jim Greenhill and Wonderlane

Acupuncture, a healing tradition of inserting needles into specific points on the body, is gaining widespread acceptance for its vast range of health benefits. It works against stress, depression, and lethargy, but not until recently has anyone tried Acupuncture for Trypanophobia, fear of needles. Not until the US Government sponsored a small clinic in Boulder, Colorado, to carry out extreme acupuncture experimentation.

Acupuncture works best when received once or twice a week for a series of up to 12 weeks. The accumulative, subtle healing effects gain momentum over the course of treatment. But in the case of the Trypanophobics, the opposite took place.

“The test subjects generate massive amounts of tension and stress throughout the week, always in negative-anticipation of the next acupuncture session,” Said Private First Class, David Hent, of Boulder Healing Needlery. “What begins as a moderate fear of needles, turns into a full blown hysteria of proportions high enough to trigger cardiac-arrest.” David continued, “Of course this transition was heightened by upwards of 40 puncture wounds.”

In order to relax the test subjects, they were allowed to watch a DVD during the acupuncture session. “But I suppose Hellraiser was a bad choice”, said acupuncturist Colonel Seth McChord. “In fact, Hellraiser pretty much caused gripping panic attacks. It broke down their willpower, and enabled us to wrest deep secrets from them. I mean, if this wasn’t just an experiment.”

For calming the nerves of acupuncture patients, Hellraiser was a bad choice

At first, the acupuncturists and orderlies of the Healing Needlery had a hard time convincing the subject to sit still. “We explained that his pain is because he has weak organs. Any needle along a meridian for a weak organ, is going to cause discomfort”.

But in the end, according to doctors, “It became so hard to insert the needles, we had to get extra orderlies in order to restrain him into a straight jacket.”

Eventually it became necessary to restrain the subject in a padded cell during time off from their weekly session.

When asked if this was a bit excessive, he replied, “Oh, no, not at all. If the Trypanophobic subject does not remain consistent and still, healing will not occur. He will never reap the full benefits of his punctures”.

The needles in this particular test subject were experimentally a bit wider than standard acupuncture needles.  They mainly used needles that were 5.7 millimeters wide, or .22 inches, the size of a 22-caliber bullet. Sometimes the needles were actually inserted using a test application that resembles a .22 Rifle.

The Boulder Healing Needlery is the only fully Government-funded Acupuncture Clinic of its type. Research aids not only civilian test subjects, but it also aids foreign-based US interrogation outposts.

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