photo credit: albany_tim
By Danny “Flipper” Doughlan
Hello there. I feel kind of weird addressing you spiritual-types, because I’ve never been into all that hippie stuff. To tell you the truth, I only found out last week what a spirit animal is. Supposedly it’s the animal that most closely fits your personality.
Figuring out my spirit animal was actually easy. It helped that I’d read an article about some other dude trying to figure out his spirit animal. I just asked myself, “What animal has a prehensile penis?”
Whoa, I don’t mean to get to ahead of myself. Chances are you’ve never heard of a prehensile penis unless you are a marine biologist, or one of my ex-girlfriends, or someone who has seen me in public multi-tasking with my prehensile penis.
Seizing or Grabbing
“Prehensile” means, “adapted for seizing or grabbing”. A prehensile penis has a very muscular urogenital shaft, and can be controlled like a monkey or a lizard tail. Dolphins can actually wrap their penises around objects like wrists and ankles, and carry them.
My prehensile penis sets me far apart from most animals. I didn’t know where to turn. But I knew that the answer to my question was somewhere within my penis’ grasp.
Does the eagle have a prehensile penis? No. Does the Bear have a prehensile penis? What about the frog, or the mountain lion? No. No other animal in the world has a prehensile penis except for the dolphin. And since I factor my prehensile penis to be the most prominent aspect of my personality, I just knew my spirit animal to be the dolphin.
Increased Confidence At Water Parks
Knowing that the Dolphin is my spirit animal has given me quite a lot of confidence in my daily life. Before, when I thought I was the only one with a prehensile penis, I was admittedly shy about whipping it out at water parks. But now that I feel spiritual support from dolphins, I actually use my penis to keep up my shorts on the faster watersides. My penis also serves as a super handy dorsal fin when I’m doing the backstroke.
When I investigate the other things I may have in common with dolphins, there are not a whole lot. I do not communicate in clicks and whistles unless I’m at a football game. I do like to swim, but only to attract a life mate from the spiraling, mobile bulge within my wet Speedo. I read that dolphin hearing is 10 times better than humans. I don’t have that. However, I am acutely aware of even faint remarks made about my arm-like prehensile penis.
A Phallic High Five
None of the discrepancies between dolphins and myself matter to me. What matters is that I am a newly empowered Dolphin-man who can’t wait to go to Sea World. When I get there, I am going single-out all Dolphin lovers, and give them a high five, with my prehensile penis.