Chicago, IL – In a moment of disgust and disappointment, area renter Julia Goldfarb realized that her bathtub drainage problems were caused by one dreadlock that had been shed from an aging hippie couch surfer.
“I don’t really know the guy, but a respected local yoga teacher told me he was a spiritual icon and I’d get good Karma if I housed him for awhile,” said Julia in reference to career free-loader Anandavon Bhagamon (Todd Sturgis). “He’s nice enough, and I don’t mind that he eats my food and doesn’t work, I’m just appalled that someone in the ‘conscious community’ didn’t notice an entire dreadlock falling off his head into my bathtub.”
“And then there’s the chance that he did notice it, but was too busy with his Hindu prayer beads to grab the dreadlock before it got lodged in the drain,” offered Julia in defense of her problem.
Anandavon Bhagamon, a negligible counterculture icon whose main claim to fame is taking acid with, “some pretty famous people,” appears to be in denial of his hair loss. Having worn his hair in matted clumps for most of his life, these “dreadlocks” became a way for him to identify himself with wandering Hindu mystics of similar unkemptness.
Most couch surfing American neo-mystics who experience male pattern baldness eventually resort to wearing a crocheted “tam” to cover the bald spot, allowing the remaining dreads to retain rebellious hippie status along the periphery of the cap.
“A tam cap would not only preserve his wild image, it would also function as a nice hairnet.” said Julia. “But he has to admit that he is balding. At this point he actually says that his bald spot in the back is, ‘Just a crop circle.’”
“And then he actually gave me crap for using Drano. He said, ‘you know, Drano is bad for the environment.’”
The burdened host continued, “I think his main worry is having a smooth, sheer flesh head. He won’t look so rebellious anymore. He’ll just look like his mom’s father. Or Doctor Phil”
Too Spiritual For Common Courtesy
Ultimately though, she does not worry about whether or not Andandavon comes to terms with his rapidly approaching de facto clean-cut image. “My main concern while he is here elevating his Cosmic Awareness, is that he also be a little aware of the dreads that he is shedding all over my apartment.”
When his dreadlock got jammed in the tub drain, the water level remained half-full and stagnant, all day. By the time Julia got home from work, “It was too late, Anandavon’s dirty bathwater made a ring around the tub, made up of patchouli oil and probably grime from his Greyhound trip here 5 days ago.”
With the help of a plunger, the water slowly drained, but the dreadlock remained. Julia gave it a tug and it broke off, leaving a piece within her pipes. It took two bottles of Drano to dissolve. Anandavon, meanwhile, did not think it was his hair, and instead played drums in the kitchen to energetically marinate Julia’s food that she would soon cook for him.
Julia whispered, “And then he actually gave me crap for using Drano. He said, ‘you know, Drano is bad for the environment.’”
Andandavon has shed a few other massive locks in singular fell swoops. When Julia finally was able to cook after dealing with the bathtub, she found two conjoined locks on the kitchen counter right next to the fresh basil.
“These locks, however, have very distinct beads embroidered around them, so I thought for sure he would claim responsibility,” explained Goldfarb. When confronted about it, Mr. Bhagamon slowed down his drumming and said, “You know, your vibe is very corporate right now, but I know it’s cuz you just got home from work. Relax, you don’t have to attack me.”
Julia profusely apologized and then asked again, with more naivety, if the countertop dreadlocks were his. To which he replied, “No, that embroidery floss pattern does not look familiar, kind sister.”
Boosted by his spiritualism but conflicted by his selfishness, Julia picked up the detached mats of hair and offered to sew them back onto Andandavon’s head.
“I have to really figure out what to do with this guy, because in another week his dog and 7th wife and are coming to live with me as well. I hope they are spiritual like Andandavon (Todd), but I also hope they have more common courtesy.”