THE BARDOS – It has been determined by the karmic debt of famed carnivore, Dr. Robert Atkins, that he will be returning to the earthly plane at least four more times to learn how it feels to be raised and slaughtered as a cow, a pig, a chicken and a fish.
“Right now his soul is in the Bardos, the transitional state between births, this is where terrifying hallucinations from his past impurities will arise,” said Tibetan Buddhist Theorist Chogyam Rinpoche (Ralph Hobart), “He’ll probably start craving a hamburger, or maybe a few slabs of ribs, but believe me he won’t get them. He’ll get to become them.”
It is largely believed among reincarnation-based cosmologies that the next life will be based on one’s Bardo-realm reaction to the grossest impulses from the previous life. Souls with uplifting impulses will experience initial bliss. “But even they will then have to deal with their shit while in the Bardos,” said Chogyam Rinpoche, “It’s like purgatory, and it sucks to be Atkins, or his followers, because, well, look what they ate, and how much they ate of it.”
Atkins, during his life, inspired hundreds of thousands of people to vastly increase their consumption of living beings, thereby violating the non-violent principal of Ahimsa and causing deep Karmic scars. “But his intentions were pure, and that really is going to be a big factor in his demeanor as he faces the horrifying disembodied energetic effects of his meat diet movement.”
“It sucks to be Atkins, or his followers, because, well, look what they ate, and how much they ate of it.”
Rinpoche went on to speculate, “If his intentions were pure enough he may rise above the impulse of entering a new life as a cow, pig, chicken or fish – his main staples. In that case he would come back as one of his own followers. But as a follower, he’d still eat too much meat and would come back the time after that as a cow, pig, chicken or fish.”
Chogyam (Ralph Hobart) is a Tibetan Buddhist Theorist who is not Tibetan nor technically Buddhist. He is a professional idealist with strong PETA ties.
“Due to climate and elevation, most Tibetans eat meat as a daily necessity, but they meditate away the bad effects,” said Chogyam in parting, “I don’t think Atkins meditated, but I do. So if you’ll excuse me, one of those flat Slim Jims is calling my name.”