I stole a self-help book. I helped myself to a copy of “The Four Agreements.” I needed it more than someone with the moral standards to not steal it. Besides, it was a public library and I pay sales tax. But I’m an honest guy, so I’m going to tell you the truth: I lied to the librarian when she asked me about it.
“I hired Ethel to channel my husband Vance, to settle some questions that I’ve had since I lost him in a tragic late-night bird watching accident,” said former housewife Rebecca Cramston, in a post-séance interview. “But right when he was about to dispel rumors that he was unfaithful, Farbstein must have lost her telepathy signal or something.”
“We at Monsanto never meant to systematically bankrupt our Farmville or actual farmland neighbors,” said Michael Brenner, Monsanto Farmville Executive, “But then we realized that we could create the html and genetic coding of our own seeds and sell them on the Facebook game and also to real, misinformed farmers.”
“Hey, I’m not even a yoga student; I’m just a cigar aficionado. But if I were to go to a yoga class, I might not like the smell of Nag Champa or whatever sage or incense you burn. But I tell you what, I won’t get all worked up about it, and I won’t feign or create psychosomatic symptoms of nausea. And I won’t complain to the teacher or management.”